Investing In Shares

Funny Financial Glossary for the Festive Season

Bit tongue in cheek, but hilarious none the less:

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer

IPO — Insiders Piling Out

BOOK VALUE — the price the Chief Fraud Officer paid for an asset

MARKET VALUE — the price the Chief Fraud Officer wishes the market would buy the asset for today

LIQUIDATION VALUE — what the company’s creditors will eventually sell your assets for when the Chief Fraud Officer opts for voluntary administration

WRITE DOWN — when the Chief Fraud Officer is unable to cook the books enough to hide the losses of the Chief Embezzlement Officer

WRITE UP — don’t worry about it; they never happen

BROKER — what my broker has made me

FINANCIAL PLANNER — someone who plans to be financially better off giving you bad advice

CREDITORS — the guys who gets what’s left of your investment after the CEO and CFO are finished with it

SHORT SELLERS — the guys who shortened how long your savings will last in retirement by selling the dawg sh*t stocks you owned before you worked out they were dawg sh*t

FUND MANAGER — someone you employ to manage the slow erosion of your funds

MANAGEMENT FEE — the fee they earn when they manage to convince you that next year will be different

PERFORMANCE FEE — a distraction designed to make you think that the fund might actually out perform the market next year in spite of under-performing for the last decade

INDEX FUND — a low cost fund that diversifies your money across all the companies that are either presently overpriced or already too big to grow faster than the broad economy

VALUE INVESTING — attempting to find value where there is none

MOMENTUM INVESTING — buying a stock because you believe there are people more stupid than you also willing to buy a company for no other reason than it’s gone up recently

BULL MARKET — when everyone acts like a bull and stampedes to buy anything at any price

MARKET CORRECTION — when the market tells you the correct price you should have paid for those stocks you bought at the top of the bull market

BEAR MARKET — when you would have rather been ravaged by a bear than suffer the blow your net worth and self respect just took

P/E RATIO — the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

STOCK SPLIT — when your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

CASH FLOW — how your money looks as it goes from you to company management and creditors

PERFORMANCE OPTIONS — a CEO’s option to dump their free allocation of company stock for an acting performance that convinced the market to pay more per share then when he took over

CAPITAL RAISING — where shareholders are asked to give more capital so the management can continue raising their salaries

TRADING HALT — when company management stops share trading temporarily to explain to shareholders why all the insiders have been selling lately

DEBT — what rich people own and what you’ll always be in

MORTGAGE — latin for “death pledge” (no really; it is!)

EQUITY — an equal right to a share of the profits that your companies never seem to make

NEGATIVE GEARING — buying an investment that is hemorrhaging cash, but telling yourself that getting 30 cents in the dollar back via tax offsets makes it a rational investment

STANDARD & POOR — your life in a nutshell

YAHOO — what you yelled after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per shar

WINDOWS — what the sucker who bought it for $240 jumped out off

INDEPENDENT RESEARCH — research by someone who is INcome DEPENDENT on selling the agenda of those who paid them to compile it

INTANGIBLE ASSETS — an asset that’s clearly worth nothing, but management agrees to keep telling shareholders that it’s worth something

MONETARY POLICY — a policy of increasing interest rates right after everyone has borrowed money at low interest rates

FISCAL POLICY — a policy for when the economy slows because banks stop lending money to the public which limits their ability to spend money that they don’t have, the government steps in to stimulate the economy by spending money it doesn’t have

GOVERNMENT DEBT — the debt you’re left with when the government has finished pissing away the money they thought you had

CURRENCY — what the government prints when you have no money left to lend them and you stubbornly refused to vote for higher taxes

GOVERNMENT BOND — the emotional attachment you develop for welfare after lending your life savings to government thinking there were actually going to give it back with interest

MONETARY DEBASEMENT — when the government prints so much money that the only place you can afford to live is in de basement of your in-laws

Merry Christmas!

: )